I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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