I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I am spending my child support on dildos
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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