my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
