You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
