Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
