u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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