I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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