I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
