Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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