The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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