i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
