Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Randomize
