hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
