So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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