My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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