Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
