can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
