just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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