i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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