Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
