FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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