it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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