chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
It was like giving head to a cactus.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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