I cut my penus on the lid.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
