just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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