i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
