ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
