Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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