You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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