apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
im six kinds of drunk right now
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize