I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
