i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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