clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
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