If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize