I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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