I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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