U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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