Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
How does one acquire holy water?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
