we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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