I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
