WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
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