Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
