No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize