i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
