I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
pray to the hookup gods
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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