I smell stomach acid.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
