I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
