Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
