I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
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