I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
