My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
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