Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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