i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
