Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
