Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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