Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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