just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
