Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
