I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize