Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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