im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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